Slow

My life since moving back to the States has been characterized by one word. Slow. It's been slow going finding a full-time job. My days are slow. My schedule is slow. My part-time job as an elderly caregiver is a particularly slow and patience-cultivating endeavor.It's been a struggle to set a schedule, a pace, and to find meaning in the slow moments. To view the moments as SLOW and not (as my productivity-oriented mind is want to do) EMPTY or USELESS.I wake in the morning and my mind races to all of the things I know I SHOULD BE doing: working out, sending emails, scouring the 7 different job sites that have become my daily hang outs.But what happens when I don't jump to attention? Would the world end if I spent a lazy morning in bed?Here are some thoughts.Maybe it's ok to have a SLOW (not lazy) morning. To write while snuggled in fleece sheets. To not jump up and out of bed to pound the pavement.  To have no pressure to start the morning with military-like discipline and self-control lest the day "gets away from me."The pull to take advantage of every opportunity--my time, this city, every meal low in calories and bursting with nutrition.   Maybe it's enough to say, "I'm here now and I'm okay."I'm not avoiding, I'm savoring. I'm slowing. I'm listening. Not because I CAN'T be productive, but because I CAN be here in this moment. I don't have to be on the top of a mountain or on the edge of the ocean to experience God.                I don't have to         but be here.Because He is here. 

Leaving on a Jet Plane

That's right. My time in Guatemala is coming to a close. Tomorrow marks my one-year anniversary of living in the land  of eternal springtime, volcanos, cobblestone streets, and tortillas and mangos to boot.My original goal/plan was to live abroad for a year, and the time has come for me to move back to San Diego. I've learned a lot about myself this year, who I am whenno one's looking, what I really value, and, especially, how grateful I am to have the friends and support I do back in San Diego. I'm sad to leave my new friends and this magical place, but am excited about the next chapter in my life. I don't have a job or a place to live lined up yet, but I trust this is the right step for me.I'm sorry the blogging has been few and far between lately, but I've been trying to soak up the last of my time here. I'll get back to a more consistent schedule once I'm in the States. I'm sure I'll have tons of processing and percolating to do with the new transition.Thanks for reading, and I'd appreciate your prayers for the next few weeks and wisdom for my next steps.

Rhythm: Five Minute Friday

Today I'm joining the gang over at Five Minute Friday to write on the topic of Rhythm, or, in my case, the lack thereof.Ready. Go.Rhythm: It’s what I can’t catch.“Set a schedule. Make a routine.” They all told me when I quit my full time job.But here in the land of “Fijese” and “hora chapina,” a set schedule is hard to come by.I’m always flailing. Always floundering. Some weeks I try to “fake it till I make it.” But there’s only so much faking you can do until you just feel empty. Like all of you is fake. And you can’t remember what it even felt like to be real. To be engaged. To want to work and write and engage.I want to pray and write and work out. Set a life rhythm that does just that—give life. But I’ve lost my resolve. My self-discipline. How much rest is too much?When is it time to dive back in?Should I try harder or try less? Trying harder harder harder. Knuckle down, buckle down is what led me to burnout in the first place. Is it really wise to knuckle down into another schedule, a new routine?I think yes. I think it’s what I need.I ache for a rhythm. To get back in a groove.I think of a good salsa dance. The stepping in and stepping back. One, two, three, pausa, five, six, seven, pausa.Yes, there’s a pause. But it starts again. On the next 8-count. The next 4-count.I’ve had too much inertia, too much pausing, resting, waiting.But the music goes on.In salsa, a step backwards is actually the first step. (for the girl at least).I’ve had my pausa. Even if I’m stepping backward. I’m ready to take a step.***This post is part of Lisa Jo Baker’s Five Minute Friday prompt, Rhythm. Every Friday, we turn off our inner critics and perfectionists and just write for five minutes straight. Zero editing. Just a stream of conscious free for all. And then we all link up and encourage each other. To learn more about Five Minute Friday and how you can participate click here.