“Create structure for yourself. Make sure you establish a rhythm.”

I was told this before I ever even left my job. Everyone pointed out the need to set a schedule or rhythm for life without a 9-5 obligation. Or else I’d go crazy, they said. Even my spontaneous, whimsy-loving friends told me this.

And yet I didn't.

Somehow I felt like setting a schedule was penning God in. After years of nothing but a predictable schedule and responsibilities and not a moment to spare, discipline and order were the last things I wanted.

I thought it was a great opportunity to learn to experience God and purpose outside of structure and a defined role.

But I've been floundering. I’ve been unhappy. I've felt disconnected--from God, from myself, from what I'm passionate about.

Turns out I make a terrible free spirit. Instead of feeling free, I've felt disoriented. 

I've written it before: the need to write and pray as a discipline, for my own sanity, even when I don't feel like it.

But it felt like a concession. A last resort to implement only if God didn’t show up without the discipline.

So I didn't do it. Not as a discipline. Not consistently.

If I didn't feel like it, I didn't do it. 

And, most of the time, I didn’t feel like writing or praying. I'd rather read in the park or go salsa dancing or sleep in. 

I realize now my faulty thinking. Of course God can show up without discipline. Of course God can show up in chaos. But the whole time He was calling me to seek Him even when I couldn't feel Him. To peel my eyes open even when I couldn't see Him.

He was calling me to show up. To be faithful in the small things.

So, after eight months of just going with the flow, I’m giving up. I’m giving up my unspoken commitment to structure-free living. I’m giving up my resentment of discipline.

It's not a concession. Or a refusal to believe that God can show up in the chaos. It's an act of obedience. The obedience He's been calling me to all along.

Even when I don't feel like it, I will do it. I will get up early. I will pray. I will write. I will set a rhythm of life that will help me seek Him.

I will be faithful in this small thing.

***

Is a there a small thing that you have been resisting? Do you have a daily rhythm or structure that leaves space for seeking God? What is it?